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I'm tired im fucking tired of this. I keep trying to help I WANT to help but people think I'm too incompetent to do anything, they first didn't believe me, my diagnosis, my suspicions of being disabled and now that I am physically and mentally people dont want to leave alone for two seconds. So what if I tried to kill myself? So what if I jumped a moving train and fucked my leg to the point of amputation?, I wanted to die, I wanted to just stop breathing, why keep me alive when I DONT WANT TO BE ALIVE ANYMORE.
They don't do the same shit to Keimin, Keimin tried to kill themselves way more times than I have and people don't care. I dont even know if that's a bad thing or not, and how fucking traumatizing that shit was to me. Imagine trying to talk out your at the time 25 y/o cousin out of suicide while you are 12. Imagine how the fuck I felt when Keimin would just not spit out the pills or leave the knife alone, and people never cared. Why do they care about me, I feel selfish and guilty and I know I wouldn't feel like that but I do. I can't do anything. I feel like I deserve to be on my bed all fucking day and just die because I didn't eat nor drank any water. I want to die I want to fucking die I want to be left alone and die, I thought I would be dead by 17 and now i'm turning 20, what a fucking joke.
I dont want my boyfriend to see this entry.
i'm sorry. i wish i was strong enough to not feel like this. I keep carving my skin and the bleeding doesn't stop but I dont feel anything. I dont feel any pain nor I feel any shame. I dont feel anything I feel numb. I dont want anybody to talk to me right now I want everybody fucking gone from my life I hate everybody and what they did to me. I hate YOU for turning me into this depressive mess. I hope you are happy with yourself. I hope I can kill myself and get over with this.