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A Boy is a Gun* - Tyler, The Creator

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Maybe I don't have any hope. Maybe It's just my head pranking me of thinking I can ever be loved, hell, deserve to be loved. Maybe I just don't deserve anything good in this life.
I can't cry. Tears just wont come out of my eyes. I feel my voice losing spark. I don't deserve to be loved, I'm not a child of God, I'm a dissapointment as my Father said to me. I can't seek God because the God they believe in Doesn't Believe In Me. If he did, then I wouldn't be hurting like this. I don't want to be hurt again, I don't. If I open myself to love then what will happen to me when it eventually dies?
Maybe my ex was right, I'm an unlovable piece of shit who deserves to die, if I so want to die then so be it. ... But I'm so scared to. I don't want to close my heart, he seems like the ideal person but I can't. I can't I shouldn't. I will hurt him like I hurt everybody around me, I will become obsessed with him and the second he becomes weirded out by me and sees my true "dark" self then he will leave me like everybody else.
I'm writing this as he is sleeping next to me. So peaceful. So... Pretty. I don't deserve him, I wish I could rip my heart out of my chest and give it to him so he knows how much he means to me.
He is waking up. I will finish this later.
edit: I made another entry, sorry for taking so long.